Blond Jokes
Contents
One-Liners
- She thought a quarterback was a refund.
- She thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.
- She took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
- She sent a fax with a stamp on it.
- She told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DON'T WALK."
- She sold the car for gas money.
- She thought that she could not use her AM radio in the evening.
- She had a shirt that said "TGIF," which she thought stood for "This Goes In Front."
At a Bar
A blind man makes his way to a bar stool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender,
"Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"
The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is only fair.., given that you are blind, that you should know five things:
- The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
- The bouncer is a blonde girl.
- I'm a 6 foot tall, 175 lb. blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
- The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.
- The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"
The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters, "Nah... not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
Brunette Visits the Doctor
A young brunette goes into the doctor's office and tells him that her body hurts wherever she touches it.
"Impossible," says the doctor, "show me."
She takes her finger and pushes on her elbow and screams in agony.
She then pushes on her knee and screams...she pushes on her ankle and screams...and so it goes. No matter where she touches, her agony is apparent.
The doctor says, "You're not really a brunette, are you? You're really a blonde."
She sheepishly admits that indeed she is a blonde.
"I thought so," he says. Your finger is broken."
We Don't Sell to Blonds
A blonde went to the appliance store sale and found a bargain.
"I would like to buy this TV," she told the salesman.
"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.
She hurried home and dyed her hair brown, then came back and again told the salesman "I would like to buy this TV."
"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.
"Darn, he recognized me," she thought. She went for a complete disguise this time. She got a haircut and colored her hair black, put on a new outfit, big sunglasses, then waited a few days before she again approached the salesman.
"I would like to buy this TV."
"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.
Frustrated, she exclaimed "How do you know I'm a blonde?"
"Because that's a microwave," he replied.
Blonde Meets Truck Driver
As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker lowers the window, and she says "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load."
The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street.
When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again. She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door. Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"
Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street. At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door. The trucker lowers the window. Again she says "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!" When the light turns green, the trucker revs up and races to the next light.
When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde. He knocks on her window, and as she lowers it, he says... "Hi, my name is Kevin, it's winter in Saskatchewan, and I'm driving the SANDING TRUCK!"
A Blonde's Cookbook Diary
Monday: It's fun to cook for Bob. Today I made angel food cake. The recipe said beat 12 eggs separately. The neighbours were nice enough to loan me some extra bowls.
Tuesday: Bob wanted fruit salad for supper. The recipe said serve without dressing. So I didn't dress. What a surprise when Bob brought a friend home for supper.
Wednesday: A good day for rice. The recipe said wash thoroughly before steaming the rice. It seemed kinda of silly but I took a bath. I can't say it improved the rice any.
Thursday: Today Bob asked for salad again. I tried a new recipe. It said prepare ingredients, then toss on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving. Which is what led up to Bob asking me why I was rolling around in the garden.
Friday: I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said put all ingredients in bowl and beat it. There must have been something wrong with this recipe. When I got back everything was the same as when I left.
Saturday: Bob did the shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked me to dress it for Sunday (oh boy). For some reason Bob keeps counting to ten before talking.
Sunday: Bob's folks came to dinner. I wanted to serve roast. All I could find was hamburger. Suddenly I had a flash of genius. I put the hamburger in the oven and set the controls for "Roast". Much to my disappointment it still came out hamburger.
Good night dear diary..... This has been a very exciting week. I am eager for tomorrow to come so I can try out a new recipe on Bob. If we could just get a bigger oven, I would like to surprise him with Chocolate Moose.
A Blonde's Year
January: Took her new scarf back to the store because it was too tight.
February: Ordered new drapes for her computer because it had windows.
March: Got excited when she finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months because the box said "2-4 years."
April: Was trapped on an escalator for hours when the power went out.
May: Couldn't make Kool-Aid because 8 cups of water wouldn't fit into the little packet.
June: Couldn't learn to water ski because she couldn't find a lake with a slope
July: Spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice can because it said "Concentrate."
August: Told her blonde friend to hurry when trying to get into their locked car using a coat hanger because it was starting to rain and the top was down.
September: When asked what the capital of California was: answered "C"
October: Hates M&M's because they are so hard to peel.
November: Baked a turkey for 4 days because the instructions said 1 hour per pound and she weighed 120.
December: Couldn't call 911 because there was no "11" on any phone button.
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